88 ways to annoy Voldemort
by the perks of being divergent
Summary: It's good for a laugh. Rating is because of some stuff mentioned in some chapters.....
1. 88 ways to annoy Voldemort

88 ways to annoy Voldemort! Enjoy!

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

3. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

4. Ask him when the last time he took a bath was.

5. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

6. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

7. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

8. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'

9. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'

10. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

11. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

12. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'

13. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

14. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

15. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there...

16. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

17. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

18. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

19. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

20. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

21. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'

22. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'

23. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, '_Wingardium Leviosa_' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on, look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!

24. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

25. Buy him a stress ball.

26. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

27. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

28. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

29. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'

30. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

31. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

32. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

33. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'

34. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

35. Throw him a 'Care bears'-themed birthday party.

36. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

37. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

38. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

39. Tell him you know this great therapist in London...

40. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

41. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.

42. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

43. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

44. Tell him Lucius did it.

45. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

46. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

47. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

48. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'

49. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'

50. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

51. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

52. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

53. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

54. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

55. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

56. Sign him up for Little-League.

57. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

58. Throw biscuits at him….. Constantly.

59. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'

60. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

61. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

62. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

63. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'

64. Mock his baldness.

65. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (I.e.: another of his attempted 'evil moments')

66. Get him drunk.

67. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'

68. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.

69. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not going to work, or 'stupid.'

70. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.

71. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.

72. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.

73. Make him dance in the rain with you.

74. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.

75. "Accidentally" schedule him a haircut.

76. Even though he's bald.

77. Be offended by everything he says.

78. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.

79. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.

80. Make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

81. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.

82. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.

83. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!"

84. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.

85. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.

86. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.

87. Point to his eyes and say "You know they have a medicine for that!"

88. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."

**Ok I obviously didn't come up with these, but that is ok. I thought I would give you all a laugh. Review and tell me what your favorites are. Thanks for reading. Oh and feel free to flame me if you didn't like something. I honestly could care less if you hated it… and to all of you who liked it thanks!**


	2. 43 ways to annoy Harry Potter

88 ways to annoy Voldemort! Enjoy!

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

3. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

4. Ask him when the last time he took a bath was.

5. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

6. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

7. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

8. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'

9. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'

10. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

11. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

12. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'

13. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

14. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

15. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there...

16. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

17. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

18. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

19. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

20. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

21. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'

22. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'

23. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, '_Wingardium Leviosa_' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on, look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!

24. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

25. Buy him a stress ball.

26. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

27. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

28. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

29. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'

30. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

31. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

32. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

33. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'

34. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

35. Throw him a 'Care bears'-themed birthday party.

36. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

37. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

38. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

39. Tell him you know this great therapist in London...

40. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

41. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.

42. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

43. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

44. Tell him Lucius did it.

45. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

46. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

47. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

48. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'

49. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'

50. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

51. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

52. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

53. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

54. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

55. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

56. Sign him up for Little-League.

57. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

58. Throw biscuits at him….. Constantly.

59. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'

60. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

61. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

62. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

63. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'

64. Mock his baldness.

65. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (I.e.: another of his attempted 'evil moments')

66. Get him drunk.

67. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'

68. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.

69. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not going to work, or 'stupid.'

70. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.

71. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.

72. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.

73. Make him dance in the rain with you.

74. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.

75. "Accidentally" schedule him a haircut.

76. Even though he's bald.

77. Be offended by everything he says.

78. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.

79. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.

80. Make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

81. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.

82. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.

83. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!"

84. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.

85. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.

86. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.

87. Point to his eyes and say "You know they have a medicine for that!"

88. Wake him up by singing Aretha Franklin, "I will survive..."

**Ok I obviously didn't come up with these, but that is ok. I thought I would give you all a laugh. Review and tell me what your favorites are. Thanks for reading. Oh and feel free to flame me if you didn't like something. I honestly could care less if you hated it… and to all of you who liked it thanks!**


	3. The Very Secret Diary of Lord Voldemort!

**The Very Secret Diary of Voldemort**

_**Keep out!**_

Day 1

Hmm…

Nothing interesting happened at all today. Still feeling tired after huge battle with bearded OAP crone, a.k.a. Dumbledore.

Wormtail still running around zapping things with magic hand. You'd think he'd get bored. Am incredibly irritated.

Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 3

Am now so incredibly irritated have decided need new faithful servant. However, somehow kind of attached to Wormtail.

Consider keeping him on?

No.

Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 4

Avada Kadavra-ed Wormtail. House is peaceful…

Now, to finding new minion…

Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 6

Hurrah!

Contacted minion via Death Eater email system. Seems very nice and minion type.

Begged to be my servant.

Good start.

Day 7

New minion called John Smith. Boring!

Decided to rename him Evilius.

I rather think it suits him.

Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 9

Evilius says he will encourage me to be an even better evil overlord than I already am. Some sort of training program I think. Anyway, it all seems very interesting. I am getting very bored. Feel like letting my hair down.

Told Evilius this and he laughed and told me I was bald.

I already knew this.

Day 11

Finally got bored enough to summon Death Eater meeting.

New Plots to kill Harry Potter?

From Goyle; send him chocolates that explode.

From Bellatrix; send him a broomstick that explodes.

Hmm…

Have distinct feeling I need new talent…

Even more annoying, whenever I thought of an idea, Lucious surrounded me with aura-like yellow glow. Told me he was only trying to help.

Harry Potter still not dead, and at this rate never will be.

Day 12

Came up with a fantastic new plan for killing Harry Potter. Confided in Evilius who proceeded to tell me he had met mice with cunninger plans than mine. Annoyed as am sure 'cunninger' not a real word, and had previously been assured new servant was well educated.

Day 13

Had a "chat" with Evilius today. Was planning to kill him, but he started up with ideas for turning me into the perfect super villain.

Laugh; Ditch silly high pitched giggle like a girl. Instead try for Mwahahahah! Effect. Evilius assures me all the best villains have super laughs like this.

Approach; When told good news, lean back in my chair, steeple my fingers and say 'Eeeeeexcellent!' Am told it greatly improves evil look in general.

Evilius back in my good books.

Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 15

Another Death eater meeting today. Tried out new specially-practiced laugh and 'Eeeeexelent!' but was met with gawping looks of astonishment, and a few giggles.

Have decided Death Eaters just boring group of uneducated dunderheads really.

Perhaps partnership the way forward?

Evilius sat smiling and said he had taught me everything I knew. Wanted to point out this is pathetically untrue, but was interrupted by arrival of caterers with buffet. Ate fifteen of those little sausages on sticks before remembering terrible allergic to them. Had to lie down.

Wonder if Evilius has any good ideas regarding the fact that Harry Potter is still not dead?

Day 16

Was woken by Evilius singing ghastly song. About to curse him when he let off a party popper in my face before apparating out of my room.

I think it's his birthday.

Harry Potter still not dead. I wonder if he knows.

Day 18

Feeling quite incredibly ill. Evilius entertained me by doing finger puppet re-enactments of me and Potter fighting in the various incidents we had met. However, he was a complete spoilsport and would never let me win.

Plus he gave me a silly squeaky voice.

Harry Potter still not dead, but have burned puppet in symbolism for things to come.

Mwahahahahahahaahahaha….

Day 19

Evilius asked me why I don't have a cool scar like Harry Potter. Patiently explained curse backfirement again and then he said, 'Oh, I get it, just like in Star Wars!' and started making all these obscure connections between me and that daft muggle film.

_Later_

Star Wars must be one fantastic film if it involves anything to do with me, that's all I'm saying. Have seen the light!

Harry Potter still not dead. Wishing I had a light sabre so could decapitate him. Only confusion is whole 'father' business. Feel sure Evilius has wires crossed somewhere.

Day 20

Have resorted to 'send Potter an exploding broom' plan. Had final Death Eater meeting beforehand to make arrangements... Evilius sat rolling his eyes and muttering something about my funeral.

I think he's a little deranged, although frankly mention of funeral does make me incredibly nervous.

Bellatrix ecstatic. Tortured her

With any luck, Harry potter will soon not be not dead!

Day 22

Plan Explode-broom gone terribly awry. Had to bury poor Goyle in a matchbox.

Evilius bought me flowers.

Sadly, Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 26

Feeling horribly depressed. Was sure sixth book would be much more exciting than the previous ones.

Had a talk with Evilius. Wanted to get drunk and depressed but he was just sarcastic and called me 'Voldie'. When I got angry he gave me a teddy-bear. Threatened him with horrifically evil powers but he just patted me on head and said it was all going to be alright.

Have truly horrible feeling he is impossible to kill. Similar to Harry Potter in fact. Who is still not dead?

Day 27

Evilius has drawn up a chart with 'Steps to Saintly Behaviour' written at top and given me gold star. However, is better than original plan of sending me to yoga classes for anti-stress purposes.

Harry Potter still not dead, but allowed myself the luxury of torturing McNair as a reward for first gold star. Feeling relaxed.

**Day 29**

In boredom have called all death eaters round for general drunken sleepover. I must admit that Lucious does dance the Funky Chicken extremely well.

_Later_

Hawwy Potter SHTIL not dead, but no weashon do be depweshed, eh? **(A/n: This one goes out to plungers-rock-my-socks who wanted to know what Voldemort would be like drunk! LOL)**

Day 30

Woke to find someone has drawn Harry Potter style glasses on me while I slept.

Murder will be done…

Harry Potter still not dead?

Day 31

No one will own up to glasses incident. Have a feeling it could be Crabbe. Evilius depressingly cheerful. Feel distinct need to dispose of him in way similar to Harry Potter.

Day 32

Tortured Crabbe to within an inch of his life but still no leads on glasses. Worse still, skin has wrinkled from where marker has caused v. bad skin reaction. Evilius has promised to give me a new makeover, including skin cleansing. Cannot wait.

Day 34

Not entirely sure about makeover, esp. sparkly fake eyelashes. However, am assured it suits me perfectly.

Harry Potter still breathing. V. bad.

Day 35

Impressed death eaters at meeting. All looked terrified. Have given Evilius a raise, i.e. have presented him with whatever he wanted.

Day 36

It's not that I was really attached to my entire collection of chocolate frog cards, just cannot understand why Evilius so wanted them. However, cannot be seen to break my word. Death eaters already showing signs of rebellion.

Unfortunately, Harry Potter still not dead.

Day 38

Have discovered Evilius selling my chocolate frog cards on the wizarding Internet. Am outraged. Banished him forever.

Day 40

Feeling lonely. Evilius only death eater who truly cared, even if he did play knock-down-ginger at three am.

Day 42

Lying awake listening for knock I know will never come. Must rectify situation.

_Daylight hours_

Have brought Evilius back. He kissed me on the cheek and remarked on my complexion. Feel loved again.

Day 43

Evilius has wonderful plan for killing Harry Potter! All is fine and dandy.

Harry Potter soon to be dead! The penultimate chapter of the sixth book approaches. Evilius hanging decorations. Am v. happy.

**THE END**


	4. More ways to Annoy Voldemort

More ways to annoy Voldemort! LOL! Harry Potter's personal diary coming up soon.

Remind him it's been over ten years and he still hasn't killed Harry.

Sit him down and force him to go through Harry's photo album with all the pictures of Harry alive and happy.

Ask him which one of his ancestors married a snake. Act disgusted.

Stare around at the other death eaters during meetings. Lean over to him and ask him why he chose them. Ask him why he could not manage to get more volunteers so that he could actually have some good choices.

Ask him if it hurt him when Bellatrix left him for Rudolphus.

Stand behind him and mock everything that he says.

Ask him if he can help you pass your NEWT in Muggle Studies. Then ask him if he got a NEWT in the subject.

Ask him if he's met Darth Vader.

Try to teach him dance moves.

Put a "Kick Me" sign on the back of his robes with a permanent sticking charm.

Give him a Wal-Mart smiley face sticker and say "Enjoy shopping with our Roll-Back prices."

Force him into a McDonald's playpen.

Whenever he enters the room, sing him his new theme song: "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He who should not be naaaamed. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He's playing a dirty game!"

Address him as m'am instead of sir by "accident."

Every so often, punch him in the arm and say "muscle spasm!"

During meal time, throw stuffed animals at his head.

Tell him it is a message from above.

Give him a gift certificate to Starbucks on his Birthday.

On Father's Day, tell him that he is like a father to you and give him a big hug. And flowers too.

Cover the floor of his shower with axle grease.

Buy him a pink fur coat.

Write "I love you! -From your secret admirer." on his mirror with bright red lipstick.

T.P. his room with scented toilet paper.

Buy him a little fluffy kitten named Fru-fru.

Tell him he would look manlier if he shaved his legs and chest.

Put itching powder in his "evil" shoes.

Take him on a double date.

Make that a blind double date.

Tell his date he naturally has green scaly feet.

Buy him a subscription of Nick Jr. Magazine.

Sign him up for the Care Bear mailing list.

. Redecorate his room with Bob the Builder wallpaper and a pink canopy and bed sheets.

Block the Evil Channel on his T.V. and tell him that to much evil will give him nightmares.

Tie him up and make him watch a 30 hour marathon of Lizzie McGuire.

Then make him eat nothing but brain food for 3 months.

After the 3 months of torture is over, tell him his complexion has really improved.

Make him eat spinach. Tell him it's good for his colon.

On his Birthday, make him wear a Burger King crown. And when you have cake, tell him that a candle for every year wouldn't fit on the cake. Remind him that he's 65 years old at every possible moment.

When he is sick, feed him chicken soup and read him the parts in the Harry Potter books where Harry defeats him. Tell what he could have done better.

Put a sign on his door that says "Enter at your own risk. Evil Warlord inside." Put stickers on it.

Buy him the Candyland computer game.

Buy him Harry Potter video games and tell him that if he plays it, he will know what Harry will do next.

Take away his scissors and make him use plastic ones.

Tell him his cat would look more like him if he shaved it.

Throw him a birthday party invite all his Death Eaters and show parts of the Harry Potter movies.

Send him a large, rotten fruitcake for Christmas. Include a large, hideous pair of knitted socks and a book on "Learning to Not Be Evil".

While he is sleeping, take all his robes and die them pretty, bright colors, such as pink and purple.

Put some Iron-ons on his robes that say something cute and nice and have things like butterflies on them.

Don't let him drink anything but a special fruit energy drink that you made yourself for two weeks (the drink is made out so orange juice, strawberry frozen yogurt, and fish).

Buy him fuzzy-bunny slippers for his birthday.

Tackle him and yell "DOGPILE!"

Give him an all expense paid month living with a therapist document for his birthday.

Look at him with an all-knowing smirk and when he threatens you just reply in a sweet sing-song voice, "I know something you don't know!"

Teach him the electric slide and say he can't leave his room until he can do it perfectly.

Frequently ask him the question "guess what?" and when he says "what" say "your dad was a muggle."

Point to his robes while asking one of his death eaters if they are missing any rather ugly curtains.

On his birthday get him a balloon that says "get well soon."

Tell him that you blew your nose on his robes.

Take him to a Quidditch match. Point out the best Seeker on the field and tell him that's what Harry Potter could become if he stopped bugging him so much.

Throw him a Care Bears Birthday Party.

"Oh Voldie you're SO HOT let me give a big, wet KISS"...

"C'mon Voldie, Powerpuff Girls are on TV!"

Tell him: "J.K's going to kill you on her last book you know."

When he's out make the theme for his room with pink flowers and butterflies.

Walk up to him, put your arms around him and start singing, "I know you I've walked with you once upon a dream..."

Make him a knitted sweater and stitch on the back "Slap me."

Buy him a home waxing kit for his unibrow.

Make him ride the play horses that sit in front of grocery stores.

When you run out of quarters, force him to stand on the street with you begging for more.

When he smiles, ask him if they believe in toothbrushes at wherever he came from

Record everything he says and play the recordings back to him in his sleep.

Ask him if he likes the Weird Sisters.

"Hey,Voldie, come on with that popcorns! Harry Potter and a Goblet of Fire is on TV!"

"Hey Voldie...I found your diary" (Tom Riddle's diary).

Ask him if he's ever looked at himself in the mirror.

Take him shopping and go straight to the day care station and tell him that you will be back in a couple of minutes.

Get him one of the Harry Potter action figure for his birthday.

Get him to watch Lilo and Stitch the movie with the Death Eaters so that they will know how to be good like Stitch.

Stick some Harry Potter posters in his room while he's out.

Sing him a lullaby every time he sleeps.

Tell him that he must be a good boy so that Santa Claus will give him a pair of underwear with Harry on it.

Get him a baby Mozart CD and play it while he sleeps.

Change his reading glasses to glasses exactly like Harry's.

Ask him if he wears color contact lenses.

Ask him if when he was rearranging the letters in his name why he couldn't have come up with something more threatening than Voldemort? "I mean Voldemort what kind of name is that? Ooh I'm scared now! Voldemort ahhh!

Submit him for The Bachelor.

Use spray paint to write on his walls and write 'Snape was here'.

Make up "yo mama" jokes to everything he says.

Stick his hand in a glass of warm water while he's sleeping.

Get him a Harry Potter computer game and tell him that only in the game can he kill Harry.

Get some friends together, sneak into a Death Eaters' meeting, and bring lots of confetti and pink streamers.

Tell him that he must be crazy to think that his death eaters will listen to his orders when he is almost dead.

Tell him that he's too short and that he needs platform shoes.

Buy him pink robes and explain that pink is the new black.

Secretly design his room with Harry Potter posters and with black marker write 'Don't You LOVE him?'

Remind him how good looking he used to be.

Laugh when he's trying to say something serious.

Insist on calling him Moldy Voldy

Say, "Well! Somebody needs a little sunshine up his jumper today, would you say?" when he threatens you with any of the unforgivables.

Offer to give him his first kiss in front of at least five Death Eaters.

Offer to get him into Hogwarts by dressing him up as a first year girl.

Get him an apron that says "kiss the evil cook."

Ask him what happened to give him that high pitched voice. Giggle as though you have an idea what happened. .

Give him lace panties for his birthday.

Sing the infamous "darth vader" theme when he enters a room.

Force him to go to muggle garage sales with you EVERY weekend.

Ask him to watch an episode of 'Care Bears' with you, and insist he watch it fully, even the credits. Then after, ask him which bear he thinks you are, then tell him you think he is grumpy bear.

Insist that he goes to the Yule Ball with you, then make him slow dance in the middle of the crowd with you. Don't forget, everyone wants that special kiss on their special evening, and so does Voldemort!

Tell his Death Eaters it was his orders that they all wear pink tutus.

Offer to let him borrow your strawberry lip gloss.

Cook him 'evil' chicken soup when he gets a cold and mother him half to death.

Say "Harry Potter's the name and Quidditch is the game," when he's in the room. Be sure to have a painted scar on your forehead and Harry Potter glasses on.

When you're at a death eater meeting and he's going through his evil plan, pinch him on the cheek as soon as he's done and squeal, "Ooo, isn't widdle Tom-tom good at make-believing that he's a big, bad evil-weevil boy?!"

Constantly tell him there's a girl out there for him.

Bring him to a book signing, for the new "Winnie The Pooh book."

Get the lyrics of Winne the pooh stuck in his head.

Buy him pink muggle dresses, while implying "Your mother loved that color on you!"

Forced him to wear a cute little sailor suit.

Get him a shirt that says, "Vote for Pedro".

Ask him coldly, "Where did your good looks go?"

Sign him up at online dating services. Use the words "green", "mysterious", "dark", "lonely", and "desperate".

If you get the chance, surprise him by hiding behind a door

Sit on is lap in the rocking chair and insist he sing you lullabies until you fall asleep, or have him sit on your lap and have him tell you what he want for Christmas.

Give him a Build-A-Bear for Chirstmas dressed in a Santa suit.

For his birthday, give him a card that plays the Harry Potter theme song in a twinkly way

Give him a book called 'Taking over the Wizarding World for Dummies' for his birthday

Give him a hat that say #1 Evil Guy or #1 Lord

Spoon feed him alphabet soup with only the letter E, V, I, and L, and tell him 'look, it always spell evil. I made it just for you'.

Take him to a Harry Potter convention.

"Accidentally" call him Moldy-Wart.

Ask him if he felt funny being in a big pot [fourth book.

Always call him to dinner like so: "Voldy, you fat lard, come and get your dinner!"

Call him on the phone and screech, "Is your refrigerator running?

Ask him if his eyes are red because he's been smoking muggle drugs.

Remind him his mother was pretty much a squib.

Ask him if he would kiss Severus and if you could take a picture with your digital camera.

Sing 'It'll be you and me! Up in the trees! And the forest will give us the answers!' whenever he is trying to punish you for all the annoying things you've been randomly doing lately.

Open "Voldi-Mart" and sell everything he owns. Keep the money.

Make him play as seeker against Harry in Quidditch, then laugh at him when he looses.

Constantly remind him of what a rubbish performance he displayed in the graveyard and talk about Harry Potter in positive ways.

Ask him if it is a love/hate relationship with Harry.

Make him read Killing Harry Potter for dummies.

Remind him that dementors affect Harry more than he does.

Say to him the next time he tries to kill Harry," You, know, you owe him big time. I mean, you wouldn't be here without "Blood from the enemy forcibly taken", right. So, don't kill him and you'll be even.

Give him a giftcard to Claire's.

Constantly remind him that you had to fix the mirror that he 'mysteriously' broke.

Buy him the book 'Evil Dictatorship for Dummies'.

Sign him up for the Harry Potter book club.

Buy him a Harry Potter doll from Build-a-Bear and tell him to pull the string on its back, he has his own action phrase "Bye Ron, Hermione, I'm off to fight Voldemort and win. AGAIN!"

Review and tell me your favorite! More to come soon! Thanks to all my reviewers!


	5. Professor M McGonagall's Personal Diary

November 1, 1981

Potters dead. Miss Lily. I thought James a strange little prat. Sirius, handsome one, sent to jail. sobs 

Dumbledore got to play with the stupid lighter, cleverly named a put-outer. How original. Bet he stole it off Mad-eye Moody. Dumb sod.

Got to do my Cat-creeping-in-the-shadows-turning-into-woman thing that was fun. Yay me!

Wonder if fur makes me look fat? Will have to consult Sybil. Have to get a new hat, old one look a bit too... Hat-ish. Thinking of getting a turban. Turbans are nice.

Back to the Potters.

Where the heavens did Hagrid get a motorcycle? Don't really want to know. Would a motorcycle make me look younger? Ask Sybil.

Does anyone think it strange that Hagrid is very dirty but Potter is very clean? Didn't think so.

I think Dumbledore is insane putting Potter with those muggles. Thought James was big-headed, but Petunia Dursley beats him soundly.

Back to Potter, kids going to be famous. Maybe I can be his agent, always wanted to be in show biz.

Potter's scar, lightning bolt is so overrated. What is he, Hercules? Hail son of Zeus! Someone hit me with a lightning bolt please.

Dumbledore is so unoriginal, on the doorstep? Won't Petunia get a surprise in the morning? Almost enough to make me want to stick around. But I need my catnaps. 

Going to find Sybil, ta!  
Oh! BTW, Voldemort dead.   
July 23, 1991

Writing letters. V. boring! Dumbledore lost in castle, sent up sparks two hours ago. Sent Severus to rescue him. Neither of them had returned.

Sybil in St. Mungos. Too much toxic fumes fell down ladder to her tower. 

Wonders if I will ever be Headmistress. 

July 24, 1991

Sent Potter's letter to him. Sincerely hope he doesn't have a fear of birds. Wonders what would happen if a student did.

Severus and Dumbledore still missing mildly concerned.

Sybil is still in St. Mungos.

Not Headmistress yet, but am planning a mutiny.

July 28, 1991

seriously considering charging Potter for parchment and ink.

Severus turned up last night, claims that there was a pirate in the dungeons. Seriously considering committing him to St. Mungos.  
Dumbledore is still missing. Where the bloody hell is that man?

Sybil coming home today. Must update her on the gossip around. Idly wonders if Sybil gained any brains while there  
probably not.   
Still not Headmistress but considering seeking out Severus' pirate, may give me pointers on hostile takeovers.

July 31, 1991  
FED UP!!!!!!

Sent Hagrid to find Potter and deliver letter. Am on strike, will not write another letter.

Curious as to why the magical list says Potter resides in a hut on a rock. shrugs Must be a muggle thing. 

Have hand cramps from last thousand letters I wrote to Potter. May hold grudge for a long time.

Dumbledore appeared today. He was covered in lemon drops, claimed that he was attacked by a pirate that just wanted to know where all the rum went. Need to call exterminator. How do you make that call? 'Um yes this is Minerva McGonagall, deputy headmistress grumbles unhappily under breath of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I need an exterminator experienced in getting rid of pirates. Hum. Yes. Yes. Well...No, I haven't had any alcohol today.' That would go well. 

Back to Dumbledore. He claimed that he lived the last week on lemon drops. Wonders why the bloody man just didn't summon a house elf, then again answered myself, he's a MAN!!!

Still not Headmistress, haven't found pirate.

August 2, 1991

Dumbledore has a big secret, hiding something. Asked yours truly what kind of obstacle I would use to keel the undead dark lord from getting the Sorcerer's Stone which he secretly got Hagrid to retrieve from Gringotts. Said he was so clever, no one but him would know the stone was in Hogwarts protected by a three headed dog, a devil's snare, a locked door with flying keys that one would have to catch to open the door, my chess obstacle, some old antique mirror that he claims he can't figure out what's wrong with it (says the mirror shows him with a chicken), and, well, he blushed after that and shut his mouth.

I wonder if this is really the man who defeated Grindlewald.

Nobody will beat my chess game. 

Invited Severus to tea, got insulted-nothing new. Subtly switched Severus' hair gel for shampoo, he'll have to wash it. I don't care if Sirius touched it 16 years ago, that hero worship has gone on long enough.

Have been getting complaints of missing silver, gold, and jewelry through out the castle. Believe it is my pirate.

Still not head honcho, working on it though. 

August 18, 1991

Invited to tea with Hagrid, went since we were year mates at Hogwarts.

Got extremely angry. Hagrid recounted his visit to the Dursleys to deliver Harry his letter.

Dursleys insulted Lily! Hate those muggles. Would have like to seen Hagrid give little Dursley pig's tail. Hagrid thinks I don't know about the umbrella.

Had a strange dream last night. Cute drunk pirate was having tea with me when Sybil ran in and said that Dumbledore choked on a lemon drop and that I was the new Headmistress of Hogwarts. Then she said Voldemort somehow managed to electrocute himself while trying to get the naughty channels on a muggle television set. I found it odd that that could happen seeing as rumors say Voldemort doesn't have a body. Then Severus came in, dressed only in his underwear singing and dancing to his own rendition of 'Ding, Dong, the Wizard's Dead'. The strangest thing was his briefs, they had little kittens all over them and the back had a sign across the seat that said 'I break for kittens.' Woke up then.

Swear never to eat Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans before bed. Wonders if Bertie added catnip flavor just to spite me

Still not Headmistress, still haven't found pirate, lost gold rimmed eyeglasses blames pirate, curious as to if Severus wears boxers or briefs.

August 21, 1991 

Friend JK suggested I read book called 'Lord of the Rings', sounds gay. apologizes to all those who absolutely love LotR May suggest book to Quirrell. Asked Pince to order for library, will be cataloged in the Restricted Section.

Still not Headmistress. Lost Dumbledore again, closer to capturing pirate though.

August 24, 1991

Got book today. Considering moving to Middle Earth, sounds extremely interesting. Wonders what Mount Doom view property costs

Found Dumbledore at Hog's Head Tavern in Hogsmeade. Not much I can say about that except for the chicken on his lap caught my attention.

Asked Severus universal question, "Boxers or Briefs, Batman?" His answer was "Granny Panties or Thongs, Catwoman?" Seriously disgusted. Will make Sybil investigate his underwear! shudders  
Still not in charge. Think pirate is close, will set trap using rum. Sybil 'divined' that this year a person who uses pot will seek to be stoned'. Sybil needs new lines.

September 1, 1991

Dumbledore is back! He went missing after last entry. Held staff meeting today, informed that Potter had Voldemort's wand's brother wand. Talk about your brotherly feuds. And here I thought my Aunt marrying the man who later divorced her for my uncle while her son married his daughter was so soap opera.

Good Lord! A MALFOY!

Sink me!

Well if he ain't the spitting image of Lucius. 

Another Weasley??!!! How many can Arthur and Molly churn out? More importantly how many more can I endure before I lose my sanity? 

Well I did my house speech; you know the one about your house is your family...blah...blah...blah.

Still didn't get my turban. Did get interrupted by a toad though (A/n: Neville's toad Trevor). Got to hit the Malfoy kid, my life is complete, oops forgot the Headmistress thing.

Felt like Noah leading the brats into the hall two by two.

Won bet, got more students than Severus. 

Sybil forgot to alphabetize list.

Really enjoyed Weasley's reaction to Nick's ahem affliction.

Still not Headmistress, pirate still on the loose. Sybil found book (A/n: LOTR) and called me a pervert, then she had the nerve to ask if she can borrow it when I am done. Wonders if that fact that the fellowship is all men is a sign of what is to come. Either it's a big gay party or a failure from the beginning.

Tootles!

September 2, 1991

Potter and Weasley late. Pulled my Cat trick. Can I transfigure Weasley into a map? On please let me!

Still not Headmistress. Pirate stole 'Lord of the Rings', am v. v. mad. So mad can't write straight, not that I could write gay mind you. 

September 6, 1991

Took Gringotts a whole month to publish a break in, damn goblins. Too short for their own good. 

Dumbledore looks seriously satisfied, like he has saved the world. Pfft! Can see the gears working in Potter's head, knew he was like Lily.

Still not Headmistress and haven't got book back, am just going to buy my own copy.

September 12, 1991

Sink me! Potter can fly! Hooch said she never saw anybody fly as funny as Longbottom. Didn't get to see that.

Wood is immensely happy, keeps eyeing Quidditch cup longingly with a silly smile. Will have to post Filch on guard duty.

Still not Headmistress and book not back, planning to use superior transfiguration skills to make pirate a toothpick.

October 31, 1991

Anniversary of Lily's death and Sirius' incarceration(A/n: He's in jail tear). V. sad day.

Food at feast looked great, a little too much sugar, but great. How much sugar did Dumbledore eat?

Quirrell came running in yelling about a troll in the dungeon. What was Quirrell doing in the dungeon to begin with? That's Severus' turf. What is going on between Severus and Quirrell? Ewwww! Turbans and greasy hair bad mental image. Change my mind about turbans. Severus disappeared once we headed for dungeon.

My acting is getting better. I think I need an award for my startling entrance into the girl's lavatory. I knew Granger was a little thick, but to take on a troll by herself! Books have no weight against real life.

Though I looked peeved, I was extremely proud of Harry. He took on a mountain troll. Knew he had Lily's brains.

Still not Headmistress and pirate had returned book with a small note that said:

'I love this here book love. That there elf reminds me o' a matey o' mine. PS Why's the rum gone?

Capt. JS

November 9, 1991

I love Quidditch! Sent Harry a Nimbus 2000, he was sooooo happy.

I hope Wood doesn't scare the poor lad. After all Wood was so nervous during his first game that he fainted, though he claims it was a bludger to the head.

Flint cheated!!!!! Poor Wood, hope he's okay. That poor chaser, hope she's okay too. Cheating Slytherins!

Then Harry's broom went crazy. I was so scared and air sick. Then it stopped and Harry caught the snitch...well technically he swallowed it.

Works for me...on second thought, Ewwwwww!

Someone said that Severus caught fire. Would have seriously liked to have seen that. 

Still not Headmistress, but at least we won! Still haven't figured out Severus and Quirrell, not sure that I want to. Seriously wondering if I can persuade Dumbledore to visit the mines of Moria with me, there's a big crevice I want to introduce him to. 

December 23, 1991

Observed Potter and Weasley playing chess. Harry is terrible. Granger seems to be up to something.

Still not HM. Still haven't found pirate but have left a bottle of rum with a Jolly Roger flag on it so he knows it's his Christmas gift.

December 25, 1991 

Christmas!!!!

Let's see; got divining crystals from Sybil, bought her a new crystal ball. Got a toy mouse from Dumbledore, bought him ITCHY wool socks. Lastly got a thong from Severus. Bloody prat! Luckily I had planned on giving him shampoo...again.

Dumbledore opened his big mouth yet again, said he sent Harry James' old invisibility cloak. Idiot.

Still not HM, could have swore man in tricorn hat(A/n: Pirate hat) passed me in hall, believe that was my pirate. If he was then shiver me timbers and sign me on for the next voyage.

December 26, 1991

someone broke into the Restricted Section. Sadly for them, I have the only copy of 'Lord of the Rings' in Hogwarts. 

Still not HM. Too lazy to write more except Severus and Quirrell are acting strange. Maybe they had a lover's quarrel. Ewww! Hey that was funny, quarrel, Quirrell. LMAO! I crack myself up. 

April 2, 1992

Not much to write. Normal stuff, rather boring.

Today though, I was having tea with Dumbledore when I saw a familiar book on his desk. 'Lord of the Rings'! He has his own copy.

WTF STILL not HM, pirate still missing, Quirrell and Severus acting stranger if possible.

April 24, 1992

A DRAGON!!!! Hagrid had a dragon! Around students! Around Harry!!!!

At first I didn't believe the little blonde pest but then here comes Harry, Weasley and Granger traipsing about the hall.

I gave them a stern lecture about staying in their dorms at night and took 50 points from each. Blonde prat thought he was above punishment. NOT! I rock! Note to him; if you are going to get someone in trouble, go to your own head of house not your house's rival head.

I felt sorry for Harry having to put up with Malfoy. Hopefully Hagrid will look after him.

Still not HM. Pirate has yet to show, and Severus and Quirrell are acting stranger.

April 25, 1992

OMG!!!!! Poor Harry!

Hagrid reported that a strange creature attacked Harry and Malfoy. Stupid blonde coward ran! He left Harry alone with that thing.

The thing was going to harm that sweet boy when a centaur saved him. I have never been so grateful to Hagrid's forest friends. God Bless Firenze.

I wanted to take Harry to the hospital wing but Harry insisted he was fine.

Still not HM, not giving up hope, someone stole the gold candle sticks from the teachers' lounge. Quirrell has started acting worse; he now talks to himself and pets his head.

June 4, 1992

I give up! Harry and his friends wanted to see Dumbledore but Dumbledore went to see the Minister of Magic, which could take a while. The man gets lost in his own bloody castle! 

Well when I said he was gone they said that is was about the Sorcerer's stone! Good Lord! How did he know about that? No one can get that damned stone, so I sent them on their way.

Still not HM, SIGH. Pirate has not to been seen. Hogwarts is a pirate-free zone.

June 8, 1992

Early on the morning of the 5th, when I got up to check on my Gryffindors, I found Neville Longbottom petrified on the common room floor. Good Lord, was that a surprise.

I heard the whole story from Dumbledore. Harry, Weasley and Granger went to the third floor corridor.

They got past the dog and ended up in the Devil's Snare. I am proud today: Miss Granger kept a cool head and saved her classmates, Harry proved his seeker skills, and then Weasley beat my chess board. The little prat! Have to give him some credit, he did well and was a v. noble friend.

Sweet Harry then faced Quirrell, who was a two-faced creep literally. Poor Harry! I really had a fit when Dumbledore brought Harry to the hospital wing.

For once Dumbledore looked sane. That was a miracle.

Within a few hours Harry was awake and Dumbledore explained everything to him. He's insane, insane but clever.

He got a bit sentimental, going from love to Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Don't ask. 

As I went to the end of the year feast, I met up with Severus. I felt the strange need to apologize. He looked at me curiously but I was much too embarrassed to explain that I thought him in 'relationship' with Quirrell.

My spirits sunk at the sight of the Slytherin flags. We had lost the house cup. 

Dumbledore started his speech about the points, Gryffindor in last. Severus looked particularly smug about this. Then Dumbledore surprised us all.

Last minute points.

Miss Granger (Hermione) got 50 points, Weasley (Ronald) got 50 points and Harry got 60 points. I got the satisfaction of seeing Malfoy's face transform into the liking of the expression one makes after eating a lemon.

We were tied with Slytherin!

Then Longbottom, oh, Longbottom! He got 10 points for standing up to the trio. I was so proud!

I was a bit annoyed at Dumbledore's dramatic way of replacing the flags but to see those scarlet and gold flags flutter in the air and hear my house's cheers, I became less annoyed.

Still no HM but not in the least bit sad. The pirate is somewhere in the castle and I am off to bed, the students leave tomorrow.

June 9, 1992

the last day. We packed off the kids this morning. I was sad to see Harry, Ron and Hermione go.

Hagrid has been around Dumbledore too long, but at least he can keep a secret better than Dumbledore. He started asking teachers for pictures of Lily and James. I had some I could spare. He also got some from Remus Lupin, that sweet boy.

Packed my stuff as well, ready to head for my ancestral home.

Dumbledore has informed all teachers that he shall be at his home in Italy, hope he doesn't get lost on the way there.

Severus likewise said he'd be at his home in Ireland, told everyone that if anyone bothers him they will regret it.

On a less lighter note I am still not Headmistress!

I finally got that pirate.

And I thought my family name was weird. Sparrow! That's a bloody bird! Oh well.

I invited Jack, oh very well, Captain Jack to spend the summer with me. This ought to be interesting. Maybe I will teach him not to steal stuff.

Another year gone. See you next year.

Minerva McGonagall


	6. You're to Big a Fan When

You're Too Big a Fan When... 

****

You mutter nonsense Latin words under your breath.

You call your least favorite teacher Snape.

Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl.

You get a broom for Christmas.

Every time you turn on a flashlight you mutter "lumos" under your breath.

You sort everyone you meet into four categories. (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.)

You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace.

You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platform's nine and ten.

You try to turn your brother into a bouncing ferret.

You point normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these muggles dream up!"

You collect plugs.

You try on ever piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible

Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. _Accio TV remote!_

When it is windy you take a long branch up to a swaying tree and try to press a knot to freeze it

You try to install a flying device in your car

You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear.

When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move

You poke pictures in the house hoping to make them move.

You try to find an article by Rita Skeeter in the newspaper.

You scream into the "tellyfone."

You go to antique stores searching for a clock that tells where people are.


	7. Diary of Hermione Jane Granger

Sept 1-11:03- Dear Diary  
Found out not so long ago that I was a witch! A witch! **A REAL WITCH! **Needless to say I was rather mad. Make that really mad! If I'd have known that I was a witch, I would have had this mop on my head lopped off years ago! And I would have had my own pony and maybe have added a few more inches to my height (I hate being short), and hopefully, I would have taught that Harry Potter person a few tricks of the trade. I may not have known I have been a witch for long but anyone can climb out of a cot, grab a wand, mutter a few things and blast someone away into the distance, even if they are one years old! I hope dearly that he isn't at this school. Hey!? Maybe his brain got addled and he doesn't know he is a wizard? That would suit me fine. I will show the world how brilliant I am, I will defeat Harry Potter, indulge in power, invest in-Oh that's Voldemort's job isn't it? Blasted Moldy-Wart! He could have spared us the Hassle and been away with that boy by now!   
However, I am sitting on the train, waiting to arrive at Hogwarts. _**Hogwarts**_ for pity's sake! Mother was thrilled as was Father, but I do not think that Hogwarts is a suitable school for me. Just the name is appalling! They could have called it **Grangers Grotto** or **Hermione's Home**, or even, **The School That Housed The Ages**', make that** World's Best Witch, Hermione Jane Granger! **I shall sit here and wait for someone to arrive with my brain power and we shall have nice conversations on how brave, and mastermind-like we are!! I shall wait.

11:24- Still waiting.

11:39-Still waiting.

11:48-Waiting.

11:53**-Still** waiting! Have had at least 8 seventh years come to visit me in my classy compartment. Thought I would jazz it up a little with my posters of Punk Bands and I've even dragged out a few of my neon feather boas from my glittery navy blue trunk. Mother wouldn't let me have the solid gold trunk but father insisted I at least have a glittery one. Ha Ha Mother, though I do feel worried about my father sometimes, he has a _slight_ infatuation with the color pink at the moment. Ahem, ANYWAY! Just because you're jealous of me and my cleverness Mother, and don't you dare say it was you who I got it from-I insist it was from all that fresh fish you fed me (disgusting as it was) for all those years!  
But then, as I was halfway to shooting heart shaped confetti from my wand (A useful spell I found in Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide To World Domination), I decided that those lesser people than myself were invented to do that for me. So I started to take everything down.

12:19-Everything is down. One of those lesser individuals I was talking about has visited me. Neville Longbottom. Should be called Neville Largebottom I think. Rather a chubby chap I must say. Caught me, mid-undecorating and putting it all in my trunk. Snapped it shut ASAP. Don't want him to see my knickers! He might try them on for size-and stretch them beyond recognition! Don't want him to get any ideas! Insisted I was looking for something. Bad move. The **blubber**ing idiot decided he's lost something too. A toad named Trigger or something. I decided to help. Neville may come in handy in the future as my slave.

12:32-Searched high and low. No Trigger. I stumbled upon several first years and met head boy and girl. Goodness knows how they got to where they are. The Head Girl seemed to be having major nose issues. My own perfect teeth have been masked with false ones, found in my trunk at the bottom. I had to pick off fluff. Just about to throw them out when realized they were Dolce & Gabbana. I stuffed them in mouth. Don't want anyone to try and hex me for my good looks do I? A disguise is good. Just this blasted hair! I should be able to sort it out at Hogwarts-I bet that blasted Harry Potter always looks good for the papers!  
Neville, the bungler, has been trailing me whilst writing this. Better stop and search for Trigger before he catches sight of his name in my journal and decides he is important enough. I may try to cash in on this diary in future years. I shall have to hide it.

12:35-Upon searching for Trigger, I found none other than Harry Potter! Sitting there, stuffing his face when there is a world out there to be saved! Decided to fix his glasses and show off my skill to those beneath me, fool took my mirthless act as an act of friendliness. I left-IMMEDIATLEY. He was accompanied by another fool. Red haired with a big nose. Stared at me for a while before I decided to turn his attention away and embarrass him by saying he had a mark on his nose. I informed them we would be arriving soon and then scampered; Harry Potter and his gangly pal are not two people I wish to see naked-not yet any way!

1:00 AM-Writing this in my bed. I was befriended by two girls. Lavender Brown (surprised she isn't named Lavender Purple, or Lilac or something!) and Parvati Patil. Decided to shun them off with a headache and came up here. I need to find the best to prove myself. That's what the Sorting Hat said. I'm in Gryffindor though Ravenclaw was a consideration. DRAT! That stupid Potter boy and his mate Ron are in Gryffindor too! Can't understand why though. Potter looked terrified when he tried on that old stinking hat; Gryffindor students are supposed to be brave! I'm sure I didn't look like that!

1:03 AM: Oh bugger it! Am absolutlely starving. Was at the feast and getting ready to nosh in on some good food (the food on the train was awful! When I went in to repair HIS glasses I sneakily picked up some sandwiches off the seat because I was hungry then, and they were awful!! Corn beef and really stale they were. Yuck!!) When I spied a teacher staring at me strangely, I thought he may have poisoned my food so didn't eat a bite! But after, I discovered from a prefect, that it was Professor Snape, head of Slytherin house and that he hates, hates, HATES Gryffindor! So...alas, I suffer in vain. Noticed at dinner that Ronald and Harry didn't have any worries about the food-PIGS! Getting tired will ignore my bellies callings!

1:04 AM- GGGGRRRROOOWWWWLLLL!   
1:04:36 AM- RRRRRAAAARRRGGGHHH!  
1:04:42 AM- NNNNAAAAWWWWWW!

1:06 AM- Shut it!! I punched stomach in anger. Feel very ill and tired now. Must go to sleep, must-go-to-sleep! Must...go...to...sleep!!

1:10 AM- ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz! I'm not asleep yet.

1:15 AM- ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!! I am now though.

1:20 AM- No you're not. You just thought that thought.

1:25 AM: 

1:30 AM:

1:35 AM- ZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


	8. 38 PickUp Lines

**A/N:**** Ok we all know that Ron likes Hermione. But what if Hermione didn't like Ron, AT ALL! What if he always asked her out using pick-up lines? Well find out for yourselves… Oh and just so you know there are some sexual references in here…**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ron: Congratulations Hermione, you've been voted most beautiful girl in the room, and the grand prize is being my date to Hogsmeade!

Hermione: No thanks. I'll just take the cash.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ron: What's that in your eye? Oh, I guess it was just a twinkle.

Hermione: What's that on your face? Oh, wait, that is your face.

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Ron: Haven't I seen you from someplace before?

Hermione: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore…..

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Ron: Where have you been all my life?

Hermione: Hiding from you.

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Ron: Is this seat empty?

Hermione: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

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Ron: Your place or mine?

Hermione: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

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Ron: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Hermione: Do not enter.

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Ron: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Hermione: Unfertilized.

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Ron: Your body is like a temple….

Hermione: Sorry, there are no services today.

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Ron: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Hermione: But would you stay there?

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Ron: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Hermione: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Ron: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Hermione: Really, I'd put F and U together. 

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Ron: If you were a book, the writing would be what we call FINE PRINT!

Hermione: Ronald, when is the last time you read a book, in fact when was the last time you even did your own homework?????????????

Ron: Ummm... that's not the point.

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Ron: If I could hold a star every time you made me smile I would have the entire night sky in the palm of my hand.

Hermione: I hope the stars explode and your hand falls off so you can stop trying to feel up my ass!!!

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Ron: Were you arrested earlier? Because it has to be illegal to look that good.

Hermione: Were you arrested earlier? Because it has to be illegal to look that bad.

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Ron: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (A/N: For those of you who don't know it from Lady Marmalade it means: Do you want to sleep with me this evening?)

Hermione: Désolé, mais je suis déjà occupé. (A/N: Sorry, but I am already occupied.)

Ron: What does that mean?

Hermione: I'm not telling. How did you learn to speak French anyways?

Ron: Fleur refused to speak to any of us unless we could say some phrases in French…

Hermione: Ah... Yet you can't seem to figure out what I'm saying...

Ron: What I only started paying attention when she started talking about how to pick-up girls in France…

Hermione: Uh… Ronald?

Ron: Yeah?

Hermione: We're not in France…

Ron: Oh…

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Ron: If you were my sister, incest wouldn't be gross.

Hermione: ………………

Hermione: Does Ginny know about that? Because if she doesn't, I should warn her…

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Ron: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hermione: I've known you since first year; remember that day on the train. It's kind of too late for that.

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Ron: You see my friend over there? _Points to Harry, who waves._ He wants to know if you think I'm cute.

Hermione: Ron, Harry already knows I don't like you…

Hermione: So how much did you pay him??

Ron; I'm shocked that you could think I would do something like that!

_Hermione continues to stare at him_

Ron: 10 Galleons, but that doesn't matter….

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Ron: Hey, it's a Hogsmeade day today, you know what that means!

Hermione: You don't have a date?

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Ron: Cupid called. He said he needs my heart back.

Hermione: Your Mum called. She wants her 10 hours in labor back.

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Ron: I have a boo boo on my lip, would you kiss it and make it better?

Hermione: How did you get that boo boo?

Ron: Malfoy hexed me….

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Ron: Look, mistletoe! Guess you have to kiss me! (Ron leans in to kiss)

_Pushes a random girl in front of her to take the kiss for her._

Hermione: That's taken care of.

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Ron: Um, Hermione, I'm getting low on pick up lines, will you just go out with me?

_Harry walks by._

Harry: For gods sake man, grow some balls!

Hermione: I agree with Harry, grow some balls and I'll consider it.

Ron: Hey! I have balls!!!

Hermione: That's not what Ginny told me…..

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Ron: Are you a parking ticket?

Hermione: What?

Ron: Because you have FINE written all over you.

Hermione: ...How do you even know what a parking ticket is?

Ron: I… um… got one for driving Dad's flying car, and parking in front of a bus stop.

Hermione: Nice….

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Ron: Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Hermione: No, that would be me. But when I walk away it'll get much, much colder.

_Winks and walks away._

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Ron: If you were my homework, I would be doing you on the desk right now

Hermione: What are you talking about? I DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

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Ron: In the cookie flavors of my life, you are the chocolate chip cookies.

Hermione: In the cookie flavors of my life, you are the prune flavored cookies that no one but old people eats!!!

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Ron: I'd be willing to bet your face turns quite a few heads.

Hermione: And I'm sure yours turns some stomachs. I know it does to mine….

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Ron: I think I could make you really happy.

Hermione: Why, did Snape expel you??

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Ron: Are your parents terrorists? Because you are the bomb.

Hermione: No you know they're dentists and if they were then I'd get out of here if I were you, because I'm about to explode.

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Ron: Weasley. Ronald. Weasley.

Hermione: Lost. Get. Lost.

Hermione: Besides it doesn't sound good with your name…

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Ron: You know you are in love when the hardest thing to say is goodbye

Hermione: Goodbye. See now? That wasn't so hard!

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Ron: I'm like Taco Bell... I'll spice up your night!"

Hermione: Yeah? Well then I'm like McDonald's. Come within a five foot radius of me and you'll die. (A/N: Nothing against McDonalds…)

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Ron: You're body is a wonderland, and right now I want to be Alice.

Hermione: Somehow it doesn't surprise me that you want to be a little girl named Alice… I always knew you would confess to wanting to be a girl someday…

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Ron: I'm here to arrest you.

Hermione: What for Ronald??

Ron: For breaking and entering into my heart.

Hermione: Phew, for a second I thought you were talking about that one night in Mexico… I mean… never mind."

Ron: What night in Mexico???? What night????

Hermione: Haven't you ever heard that what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico…

Ron: No…

Hermione: Of course not…..

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Ron: This could all be yours for one low price!

Hermione: Thanks but I don't buy cheap things….

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Ron: PLEASE, PLEASE! GO OUT WITH ME!

Hermione: Fine all you had to do was ask.

Ron: But I did!

Hermione: No you said that it was my prize…

Ron: Oh……

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**A/N: Hope you liked it… R&R and tell me your favs!!**


	9. Rejected Harry Potter Titles

**A/N: What if J.K. Rowling had considered other titles for the Harry Potter books? Well here they are! Once again I own none of this stuff just posting for the enjoyment of others!**

Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher

Harry Potter and Secrets of the Bed Chamber

Harry Potter and the Record of Most Bails out of Azkaban

Harry Potter and too many Goblets of Firewhisky

Harry Potter meets Frodo

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz

Harry Potter, the Fellowship of the Prophecy

Harry Potter, the North Tower

Harry Potter, the Return of the Headmaster

Harry Potter: The True Hollywood Story

Harry Potter and the Stolen Plotline

Harry Potter and That Thing... You Know, the Thing

**REVIEW!!!!!!**


	10. Top 5 Indications that Harry Potter is g

**A/N: Attention really short chapter coming up!!!!**

**The top 5 reasons that let you know that Harry Potter is going through puberty!**

His voice cracks while casting a spell, causing it to rain naked Tracey Ullmans.

All that awful, awful poetry.

Last spell learned? "The Incantation of the Unscrambled Spice Channel."

No longer invited to sleepovers at Neverland Castle.

"Erectius concealioso!"


	11. Top 10 Signs that Show that your Child i

**A/N: Top 10 signs that show that your child is a wizard!**

**10-**When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke.  
**9-**You say, "Do you think that lawn is going to mow itself?" but then it does.  
**8-**Hegets busted shoplifting a newt.  
**7- **Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash**  
****6-**He wears shiny red satin robes - and you're praying he's just a wizard.**  
****5-**Favorite discount electronics store: "The Wiz."**  
****4-**He refers to Halloween as "amateur night."**  
****3-**He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow.**  
****2-**His favorite excuse is that"his homework ate the dog"  
**1-**You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand.

**Not the best one but hey what can you do! Still don't own this stuff…. Review**


	12. The Unofficial Hogwarts Rulebook for Stu

**A/N****: Yeah I am bored today!**

**The Unofficial Hogwarts Rulebook for students**

1. No broomsticks to be left in teachers parking spots.

2. Whizzing in the hallway is forbidden

3. Never use another students broom for sweeping the house common room

4. Students who forget and leave their brooms at home after the school holidays will suffer the humiliation of having to use the school mop for the duration of the term.

5. Unacceptable broom substitutes, Extending brooms, Plastic brooms and Vileda super mops.

6. Wizards must never use their wands for the purpose of lifting Witches skirts.

7. Students may not use an enchantment spell on another student to make them do their homework for them.

8. Casting sickness spells on yourself to get out of class is forbidden.

9. Remember it is not the size of the wand that matters but the way you wave it that makes it magic.

10. Anyone caught trying to liberate the Hogwarts house elves will be suspended

11. You may not go into the forbidden forest for any reason. If you have lost your Quidditch ball ask a teacher and they will get it for you.

12. Michael Jordan is not to be referred to as "Magic!"

13. Clothes with Quiddtich team logos on them are unacceptable school dress

14. Anyone caught eating chocolate frogs or any other confectionary during class will be turned into strawberry flavored gobstopper and sucked by all the members of staff.

15. Refilling the ink for pen from the school squids is not allowed.


	13. Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwart

**A/N: Ok so I am still working on Harry's diary. It may take a while. Sorry for taking so long to update! I do not own anything if I did I would be rich or a really funny person! Enjoy!**

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. Its taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand

11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

16) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Slytherin Day"

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways

28) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bees"

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

30) I will not go to class skyclad

31) I will not use Umbridge's quiz to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion

35) I will not call the Weasely twins, "bookends"

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends"

37) I will not call the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of its clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronous

43) I will not lick Trevor

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey" changing the label does nothing…

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God

A/N: Ok it maybe a while before my next update! So read and review!


	14. 2 What I am not Allowed to do

Must refrain from trying to eat fellow students.

When called upon in class I will not insist that the answer to everything is "42".

I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of my sentence in to raise my divination grade.

I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are- especially if his wife is Shelob.

I am not to tell Muggle-Born first years that Bertie Botts every flavored beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

I am not allowed to "bother" Snape and Dumbledore does not have a "Nakie Time"

I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born even if I do have a Time turner.

I will not sing "defying gravity" during Quidditch practice.

I am not to tell Nearly-Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached, as that is cruel.

The four houses are not: The Moron's, The Boron's, The Smartasses, and The Junior Death Eaters at anytime.

My headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf".

Yelling "To Infinity and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins Merry and Pippin.

I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron, Frodo and Sam.

I will definitely refrain from calling Draco Malfoy. Legolas.

Telling Draco to "make like a Ferret and Bounce" is always a bad idea.

Any resemblance between dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

When deatheaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will refrain from pointing at the dark mark and yelling "To the batmobile, Robin!"

I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I am not allowed to say that there is a fifth house called "Sparklypoo".

Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

I will not refer to the Gryffindor's as "Red Coats"

I will not sweep the Gryffindor Common Room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

First years are not toys and I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.

Ron Weasley will not appreciate being called the "boy wonder". And definitely will not appreciate wearing green tights.

Every time I see a dementor I will not go "Ssssssssshire…. Baginsss".

Putting fake spiders around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny especially when he tries to jump out the window.

Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy professor make.

**A/N: Ok so this is what not to do at Hogwarts continued…. Review**


	15. 20 Reasons Why LotR is Better Than Harry

A/N: Yeah ok I don't believe or appreciate any of the stuff mentioned in the following but it is still funny

**A/N: Yeah ok I don't believe or appreciate a****ny of the stuff mentioned in the following but it is still funny. For those of you who haven't read Lord of the Rings or seen the movies sorry and if you have enjoy!**

**20 Reasons Why LotR is Better Than Harry Potter**

Let the battle commence!

1. One word "Gandalf"

2. Legolas would kick Dobby's ass in a fight

3. Frodo escapes to Rivendale then nearly dies in the mines of Moria, gets poisoned by a spider and still ends up at mount Doom, Harry Potter can't even get a release pass for Hogsmeade village.

4. While Sam Gangee may be short at least he's not a Ginger Nut like Ron Weasley

5. In Middle Earth Heroes have banquets and songs written after them, At Hogwarts Heroes get house points.

6. Do you really think that Sirius Black in Dog form is house trained?

7. Sauron sounds evil, Voldemort sounds like a sexually transmitted disease

8. Smaug would eat Hagrid alive if he tried to hand rear him

9. Bilbo doesn't need the help of a flying car to kick giant spider ass in the forest

10. Frodo has bigger problems to think about than acne and who he's bringing to the school dance

11. Who would you reallllly like as your headmaster Gandalf or Dumbledore?

12. In LOTR it's okay to kill someone if you don't like them!

13. Everyone knows there's far better shopping in Rivendell than Diagon Alley

14. If Frodo doesn't complete his task all of middle earth will be lost, if Harry doesn't complete his task he'll get detention

15. Sauron has an almost infinite army at his disposal Voldemort has a man that transforms into a rat and a pet snake

16. If anyone ever told an elf to clean the floor or make the dinner in Middle Earth they'd find an arrow through their head

17. If Broom sticks existed they'd be like mopeds.. fun to ride until your friend sees you on one.

18. Draco Malfoy insulting Harry is an irritation, where as an army of ten thousand Orcs bearing down on Company of the Ring is an actual problem

19. Great Eagles eat pet owls for breakfast

20. Treebeard would take down the whopping willow in 3 rounds.

**Yeah Harry Potter is still better! sticks out tongue**** LOL! Ok REVIEW!**


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